A laptop video conference next to a cup of coffee
Am I in the wrong for discouraging someone from using their name because it's my name
I was part of a project at work. There were about 20 of us collaborating on this across several offices so pretty much the entire project was via Zoom, Slack and email. The entire time I was the only "Kate". I knew most on the project with only a handful of new names, one being ""Megan"".
Come the end of the project, we all get together for the first time and I put my hand up for organising some team events/dinners. Megan came up to me and offered to help with planning. I said all that was really left was to make a booking for dinner on the third night. Megan said she knew a place. Jump to that night and we all arrive at the restaurant. I asked Megan "what name did you put for the booking?" To which she replied "Kate." I smiled and said "Oh you didn't need to put it under my name." And she said "I didn't. Kate is my name."
Individual pictured is a model used for illustrative purposes.
Two female coworkers discuss something by a window
When someone has the same name as you, it can be confusing if you're often in shared spaces. But we have ways around this that don't have to make anyone feel bad. We have middle and last names and nicknames that we can agree upon to make things go a little bit easier. But when someone is insisting you be the one to change your name for the convenience of others, it can be a blow. You don't have to bend to anyone else's rules just because they asked you to. You're allowed to set boundaries.
I seriously had a mini freak out thinking I had been calling Megan by the wrong name the entire project. I tried to clarify "Oh I'm so sorry I thought your name was Megan. That's what's on all the company stuff." She huffed a bit and said "Megan is my legal name but everyone calls me Kate." I was very confused and tried "Oh is that like a middle name you prefer to go by because you can tell HR that and they'll change it on record." "No my name is Megan but I just don't like it so I go by Kate." At this point I was so confused so I just went in and sat down, away from her, for dinner.
The next morning I saw Megan and said good morning. She snapped at me that I should say "Good morning Kate" since I know that's her name. I took a breath and replied "Well we're at work now and everyone knows you as Megan. I've been the only Kate this whole time so it would be very confusing now to suddenly have two Kates." She huffed at me, called me a ****h then stormed off.
Image depicted solely for explanatory purposes.
Two coworkers sit at a table with laptops
Later on another colleague asked me what was going on and I explained it as above. They said "Well if she said that's her preferred name we probably should respect that even if it's just for two days." I just said "first Zoom call everyone did a quick intro bit. She could have said "Hi I'm Megan but please call me Kate" back then and by now we'd have some distinction between us. But she basically sprung this claim to my name out of nowhere and I'm the bad guy for not wanting to muddy the waters of what work was done by Kate and by Not-really-Kate." Colleague just shrugged, said it was all a bit petty then we went back in to work. I agree it's petty but I also work hard and want to protect my recognition.
Project went well, everyone was happy and at least for now I have no reason to speak to Megan. It's still sitting weird with me that right before presentation time she decided she was also Kate. We did very different contributions to this project and it makes no sense to me to start confusing things by suddenly having two Kates. AITA?
Models for explanatory purposes only.
Two women collaborate over a laptop
The woman in this story was having a difficult time accepting her coworker's boundary, though, and bristled at the idea of calling her a different name. It felt like a simple thing to correct in the eyes of everyone else, but she was holding on to being the only one with her name in the office. It's okay to have some attachment to your name, but if you have a common name, you aren't allowed to be mad when someone else has it. Imagine if all the “Joes" in the world suddenly had it out for one another? Keep reading for the full story and let us know what you think.
YTA, but mostly because of how you handled it. If Kate is her preferred name, she’s allowed to use it, even if her legal name is Megan. You don’t own the name Kate, and having two people with the same name at work isn’t some major problem people can easily distinguish you by context or last name. I understand being caught off guard, but telling her she shouldn’t use her preferred name because you’re already the only Kate comes across as unnecessarily territorial.
YTA
There are plenty of other things to worry about in the world.
You don’t get to gate keep the name “Kate”
ESH.
It doesn’t matter what her legal name is. If she’s called Kate, call her Kate. She isn’t doing it because she wanted to “steal” your name in particular. Kate is a common name.
However, it’s confusing of her to keep using Megan as a display name if she doesn’t go by it, especially when she apparently doesn’t even bother to explain that to strangers.
NTA. Clearly no one at work actually calls her Kate or she would have introduced herself as such. Plus, like you said, she could go to HR if it’s a thing. For her to get mad at you for not just knowing or for not saying her name when greeting her is weird. If anyone is being territorial it sounds like she is.
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